Dwight – Five Years into the Journey
These are posts that were made on Facebook in the last few weeks. I decided to put them all in one place for anyone who wishes to read them.
A word of caution, if I may, some of this is raw emotion, some of the writing may be a little disturbing. We are talking about a journey in the aftermath of suicide.
While it isn’t about me, it truly is because it is my journey. The events, best I can capture, of what led to this and where we have been since.
Strange isn’t it….no matter what happens, no matter what trouble we’ve seen, no matter our loss…..the sun rises on a new day. Easy to say it’s a choice to make it better but it is difficult. Sometimes there is a fire that tells us to move and sometimes that fire is barely there and we have just enough energy to get out of bed, shower, do our daily life. But it is still a choice. Too many years of feeling guilty because nothing is done, but sometimes, nothing is good.
Tuesday will be five years since Dwight left us, he left a big hole, at least in my life. Lot of thoughts, he found peace but we will never know what he would have been, five years down the road. We do know for 29 years he left a huge impact on many.
Guilt?Sometimes. On one part of the subject, it’s not about me, but it is about me and the journey I have been on for five years. It’s a delicate balance in remembering and honoring him and keeping that legacy alive.
Five years. From where we were in 2019 and what was on the horizon – none of us knew, to where we are in this moment.
My story…….and, if it bores, triggers, gives you “why can’t he get over it” vibe, just scroll past this post and the multiple comment follow ups. Writing is one of my coping mechanisms and while it’s not “cool” (I never was one of the “cool kids”) for a “man” to show bare his soul, I must. (probably because the therapist ordered me to).
Journaling? I love to write, always have, in middle/high school I would have been the Bob Ross of writing, lots of meaningless drivel but it got me through creative writing classes (yes, we had those classes). Focus has always been an issue, I probably would have been labeled ADHD and given thorzine as a child. That had more to do with attention seeking behavior than anything else. Anyhow, back on topic, journaling and writing is cathartic for me. It helps me express my thoughts, quirky ideas, never written songs. I get the funny looks when I used to go to a certain establishment with my journal in hand. No worries anymore for them. Somewhere in a landfill is ten years of journaling after the divorce.
I get it, facebook is a very public audience, why here? In the words of the great Senator Blutarski – why not? Way past time for “men” to express hurt, grief, the down times, depression, if that makes me a p$$$y, so be it. I often wonder if that is one of the reason Dwight rarely came to me with his issues, did he truly believe I would tell him to suck it up and “be a man.” I was very much raised in that kind of spiritual environment. I mean what do you do when a “reverend” who is supposed to care about his youth group tells a kid that he is a waste of flesh and should just kill himself (not me, but I knew the kid this “pastor” said it to).
But this isn’t about my childhood or upbringing, as I always tell my younger brother, we were one wheel from trailer trash, I don’t regret that, makes you appreciate what you have as you grow older.
I always did my best to be there for Dwight and Nicole, even after I no longer lived with them. Swim meets, plays, concerts, you have to be a part of their lives in more ways than a weekly deduction from a paycheck. But that too is another subject for another day.
Parents need to consider the devastation that breaking up a home does to their children. I did what I could to make it work, I wanted them to experience a world that was new. Dwight was often my travel companion, as was Nicole. Vacations were important, seeing this great country, to Dr. Seuss it – oh the places we would go.
As he grew older, we saw less of each other, I saw a pattern that I have suffered with most of my life. Not wanting to let people down, even if it wasn’t good for me or my mental health. Guilt is a bitch if you let it be. It’s a choice, you don’t want to do or go somewhere, don’t, the party will happen without you. What you don’t hear doesn’t really hurt you, unless you let it.
Before I close this post, parents, even if your “children” are adults, be involved, not helicopter, but be involved. “Children” you are an adult but your parents would like to know you exist every once in a while. A simple text, DM or whatever means a lot.
And the story has to turn dark…..Abel Munoz died on November 17, 2019 (my thoughts are with the family as they are remembering events five years ago also). Abel was the owner of Rivals in Crown Point and Dwight was one of his DJ’s. Dwight had invested much time to Rivals, the were working on developing the back room (side room) into a small music venue.
Abel’s death hit Dwight extremely hard, it was a watershed moment, the last message I had from Dwight was how he was going to use it as a wake up call.
Five years ago today they were doing a memorial for him (Abel) out at Rivals. Dwight was giving a brief eulogy then they were going to honor his memory and life. I will never know what happened between November 17 and November 26 that took Dwight from vowing to get his life together and reaching an ultimate solution. Maybe that is what he was telegraphing to everyone.
Life is the daily grind, get up, go to work, short week because of Thanksgiving. Is he going to come over for dinner or have other plans? Dwight was working on an EP (new), he was also working up some new mixes, Good Things Fall Apart. Regrets – I should have reached out to him on those two days, but, you know, life.
“RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
You hear something and it resonates through your entire life
3:48 AM · Nov 26, 2019″
Then you read this Tweet and for the rest of your life wonder – did I say something, when he was a child, a teen, recently that brought out that statement?
Every once in a blue moon I go back and scroll his twitter feed, something I never did five years ago, all the warning signs were there, it is as clear as a sunny day.
Maybe I should pull those tweets and share with everyone.
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/LN8rQJA3M13bE1cC/
“I find myself saying, once again, that it was too good to be true. Nothing to do now but move on and hopefully find the next one.” Dwight Facebook Post – 01/15/2019.
His first appearance at North Coast Music Festival – the dreaded 1:30 opening act set. As soon as he started people came!
5 years ago, Dwight Noise shared a few words on behalf of the Munoz family and then did what he truly loved, music. Irony? This photo was taken by Alex Pierce. Three months later we gathered and lit candles in memory of Dwight
It’s a strange connection, I went to an event at Rivals, don’t recall when, it was in honor of another young man who died by suicide. I saw a picture, in the background was the card we handed out at Dwight’s memorial. It was my first experience with sharing his story.
And here we are, five years down the road, but let’s have a bit of reality and honesty, yes, he was hurting, yes, he was struggling, there are many who tried to help him, many who offered to do everything to get him out of a dark place.
I don’t know when he left Rivals that night, does it matter? I’ve been told that there were people who offered to be with him, make sure he was okay. At some point during this night, he deleted his Instagram account, he tweeted for the last time around 4 am. Somewhere around 9:30 am, he was sending DM’s on Facebook. Then, silence.
Five years ago, we were all about doing what we would normally do on a Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Some were looking forward to a long weekend with family and friends, carefully watching the clock tick down to quitting time.
At about this time, best I could recover, Dwight was having a DM conversation with someone, they were checking up on him, like many (at least I am told) do, he made the statement about how he would never take his own life. The conversation ended, best I could research is that this was the last conversation he had that day. It was only a few short hours before he was found.
Dwight in his various DJ moments. He was so proud to be a part of the 3Lau Afterparty set at Concord, July of 2019.
Five years ago, we were all about doing what we would normally do on a Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Some were looking forward to a long weekend with family and friends, carefully watching the clock tick down to quitting time.
At about this time, best I could recover, Dwight was having a DM conversation with someone, they were checking up on him, like many (at least I am told) do, he made the statement about how he would never take his own life. The conversation ended, best I could research is that this was the last conversation he had that day. It was only a few short hours before he was found.
On this evening, five years ago, I was in the office, raining outside, saying have a great thanksgiving to my, at that time, boss. Not looking forward to the commute from Lisle. Looking forward to having Wednesday to get ready for Thanksgiving, get in touch with Dwight and Nicole to find out what their plans were for the day.
What I didn’t know is that he, possibly, was already gone.
The Tweets:
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 25, 2019
Candlelight vigil tonight. Saying some words. Doing some mixing after. Come if you are able to.
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 23, 2019
About to disappear again
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 20, 2019
telling my kids this was dwight noise
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 20, 2019
I need you
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 20, 2019
Yes my guy https://t.co/iMaJYfZ0jK
This Post is from an account that no longer exists. Learn more
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 20, 2019
Super big fan of government officials saying A$AP Rocky in congressional testimony
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 20, 2019
I probably need to eat food today
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 20, 2019
i hate this 
Quote
paris 2
@solarishiltn444
·
Nov 19, 2019
do you take this e boy, in sickness 
and in clout 
to have and to hold, for doper or for less dope 
, to have and to vibe with from now until literally whenever 
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 19, 2019
So there I was, sitting on the kitchen floor
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 19, 2019
Ope here I go fucking crying again
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 19, 2019
Terrible. Take a lap.
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 19, 2019
I love
@jordyn_tayler
and
@chelsea_elana
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 18, 2019
I’ve literally just stared at my screen for 2 hours so much for a productive night
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 18, 2019
This hurts so fucking bad. I said “love you man, I’ll hit you up” and 5 hours later there was nothing else that could be said.
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 18, 2019
I played this place when I was 22 and the owner came up cause I played Shots by LMFAO and said “stop playing n*r music”
Like SHOTS. BY LMFAO.
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 18, 2019
I’ve played in other states. I’ve played in other COUNTRIES for fucks sake. All these owners are exactly the same. Cheap. Close minded. Abel was not that.
RIP ABEL reposted
Meg Miller
@meganmiller02
·
Nov 18, 2019
RIP
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 17, 2019
God this sucks
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 17, 2019
Called me when he found out I tried to commit suicide just to talk
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 17, 2019
Called me from black sheep to talk about new plans for the lighting rig. He told me to come out. I said I might. I didnt. Here we are.
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 14, 2019
i am
back on
14.3%
my bullshit
85.7%
7 votes
·
Final results
RIP ABEL
@DwightNoise
·
Nov 12, 2019
It’s time to just work through this and put out new music
@DwightNoise
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them
The rest of this evening, five years was a blur. Nicole calling hysterical, me driving, police talking, body removal, coroner ID, driving home, phone calls, need a drink,dms, what next?
Tears, anger, guilt, withdraw, numb
How do you cope? There is no blueprint for suicide loss, hell, most counselors have no experience.
This was where we were. Questions without answers. Unrelenting grief and sadness. The one question that never has an answer. Why? You get up, live the day, hope that despite the judging, scorn, watching “friends” walk away, maybe this voice can make a difference. As long as there is breath in my lungs, his story will not end. ;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5iecXye-Cc
Dwight, Danny, Allison at North Coast Music Festival 2012
The candles lit again, for Dwight. A final trip to Colorado. Forever 29. I know I will see him again.
Aftermath:
Instead of getting ready for Thanksgiving for three, wondering if you should do it at all, except the food is ordered and ready for pickup.
Where do we go? Do we want a traditional funeral? Cremation with memorial visitation? Direct cremation? Where do we go? Who is going to plan this?
Personality trait – I can grieve later, right now I have to have a clear head, be strong! Still numb but things have to be done.
Few brothers and sisters are as close as Nicole was to Dwight, her birthday is Friday, do we want to try to make it special or let the cloud hang? Deal with the elephant in the room.
A sister lost her best and closest friend, a father lost his son, a mother the child she carried and gave birth, friends, musicians, co-workers, officiating community, what was once an active part is now a fading memory.
Why? There was no note, no statement, (at least to my knowledge), a decision made and acted upon that has left an emptiness.
He was vibrant, energetic, passionate, determined, you had to see him on stage, he had some huge moments – North Coast, Spring Awakening, Concord, being a signed artist, affiliated with Red Light Management, but spent most of his time at any local joint that would hire him – Lucille’s, Town Tap, Longshots, Meyer Castle, Martini’s, Rivals, Zodiac.
I forget who shared this at his memorial, he stopped at a place one night, their DJ no-showed, he grabbed his gear and laid it down for them, that is who he was.
We turn the page.
Post Script:
If you are the survivor, it is all about you, your loved one, but understand that people mean well and really don’t know what to say. I’ve been there, trying to discuss what I am feeling and having someone interject their thoughts. I have been there, trying to have a conversation about the situation and you can see the disinterest in the other person’s face or they grab their phone. The “if you need anything” crowd, who is never there when you need to talk.
If you are the one trying to comfort, they need you, they need you to listen, not try to make comparisions. I will flat out tell you, after five years, my experience is not the same. Even if your experience is with a suicide, my relationship to my son is not the same as yours with your loved one. And it certainly isn’t the same as any other type of loss. And for goodness sake, put your damn phone away, watch the body language, we pick up on any signal of disinterest.
For survivors, you will find out who are your true friends. You will see the judging eyes, if you are religious, you will see the dogma. It hurts but you learn that they are the problem, not you. I have been told stories of religious institutions that refused to perform or allow the service because of the cause of death.
We have created such a stigma around suicide that people will separate from you, they don’t want to face that it is real. Keep in mind traditional norms (think It’s a Wonderful Life) have taught generations that it is “illegal” or a “grave sin.”
I mentioned this before, there are no “stages” of grief for suicide. I have experienced all five within the same hour, early on. As time has passed and perspective gained, I have moved through each stage frequently. It doesn’t go away, it slightly heals but it doesn’t take much to rip it open again. Is writing this healthy for my mental state – yes, and no. It peels back the bandage but it allows me to gain strength from knowing that maybe someone reads this and it helps.
And, all of this has to be balanced with the living, his sister, Nicole. She loved her brother as much as any sister could, her life is turned upside down and you have to make sure she is reasonably coping with this, even afer five years. Making sure she is okay, as best as possible.
Post Script:
No one can tell you how to grieve, it is your journey, no one has been in your shoes.
Self-medicating works for a while, but it always wears off, or as Dwight called it Chasing The High – it becomes unattainable after awhile.
Only you can decide when the time is right to seek out therapy, it took me a few subtle hints and events plus an epiphany to get mental health counseling. Funny, we rarely discuss Dwight, we discuss me and what story I can tell to help others. That being said, it’s pointless if your mind and spirit are not ready to receive that help. When you are ready, find a good therapist.
Please understand, for the religious reader, church leaders approach suicide from the perspective of the dogma taught by their denomination. There are some who understand, there are others who are busy selling Dead Sea Scroll Steak Knives.
Mental Health access, affordability, insurance coverage is another topic for another day, but you have to find one that works with you.
For the survivor, it’s a process, it truly is journey, no one dictates how you take that path, they can’t because it is a journey only you can take. Maybe you have a Samwise who will walk every step with you, hold on to those people, they are guiding lights.
Post Script
For me, telling the story is important, I cannot let this life go without trying to help someone else who may be trying to cope or one who is considering suicide.
It’s raw, not as raw I could be, if you know me, I tend to be a lot more blunt but one has to be sensitive, sometimes a pillow is better than a brick.
For survivors – pay attention to the “angels.” I don’t believe in coincidences, there are some who directly, or indirectly, have been there to stoke that fire to make something happen from the experience.
Keep his legacy, his memory, alive through telling the story, talk about the journey. Whether it was the “angel” (yeah, I doubt he has ever been called that) who lost someone and asked what he could do to help the family, the many who stopped by a table at an event, those who have given time and resources to help us carry the message. The “chance” meeting with a family who lost their son, who happened to know Dwight, and their journey.
The encouragement when I wondered why I do this, no one cares (not true). Am I William The Angel who walks the world trying to reach just one? (Dwight loved that song) Sometimes the weight is heavy but it is my weight to carry, there is help and many of you have had read this are my strength. It’s little things that make a difference, you don’t have to be ever-present, the occasional check in helps, I’m a dude, I’ll always say I’m fine (because we have to be “men” and never admit a mental health weakness).
I’ve been blessed with a few great friends and family members who support what we do. That hole will never be filled, it may never heal completely but I choose to use my voice and shine a light on my corner. I may not be able to brighten the world, don’t want that, but I can share my one light in my world.
It is my light to carry and only I can do it. People are with me but it is still mine and I accept it.
Again, thank you Sami Suboh for giving me this gift.
As I have said every year, tonight is a big party night, I ask my musician friends, if you have a gig, take a moment, talk to your fans and remind them to take care of their mental health. As one who has been on the stage in the past, it’s a tough life, you have the crowd in your hand. They love you, in that moment. Then the show is over, it’s you, sometimes just you. It’s no secret that artists have a high rate of addiction, mental health struggles, and, yes, suicidial thoughts. Take care of your mind!
Backline exists to help artists. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is there to listen.
All I ask is take one moment and remind your fans, and you, to take care of your mind.
In the aftermath, we discussed what to do, I can’t recall which day Nicole and I went to the Funeral Home to arrange for his remains. None of us wanted a visitation and funeral, a simple memorial would be fine.
Being the holiday season with much going on, we decided to wait until after the holidays to have a celebration of life. At the time of his passing, I was about two weeks from knee surgery, and we wanted to give people the opportunity to pay their respects without the crush of holiday.
We did clean out most of his belongings from where he lived, I secured all of his hard drives (still have one I can’t access), and music. I wanted to eventually get all out of it released for people to hear how talented he was. PS – if anyone knows what happened to his custom made jacket – I know Nicole would love to have it, no questions asked.
Rachel Franklin is a saint, I can’t imagine how she has handled all of this – it’s not an enviable position!
After a month or so, Nicole and I agreed we had to quit procrastinating and do something in his memory. January seemed to be a good time, it was long, yes, but we wanted to give everyone a chance to share their memories of him.
Little did we know that in another month COVID would come along and shake everything up. Knowing his state of mind, I am not sure if Dwight would have made it through the shutdowns. When your financial existence depends on gigs and that is taken away, plus all of the other financial pressures he had, not sure he would have survived without a lot of support and help.
One benefit of being “furloughed” was a lot of time to research, take online training and classes, how do I make a difference? And since it was COVID time, most of it was free of charge. The spark had become lit.
Interesting though, every year I dread taking this literary journey and tie up facebook feeds, it does pull me down as I recount events leading up to his suicide. Then, as I start discussing where I am going with it, I get uplifted because I know that someone needed to read it.
I won’t lie and say I haven’t had tough times, every day is a challenge. I hit bottom, or even below bottom, about a year ago, yes, I had thoughts. I also know that I have a mission to keep his memory alive, and to do everything I can to help, even if it is just one.
The journey continues, and I will recount much of that in the coming days, it is a story of how I have dealt with suicide.
days
hours minutes seconds
until
Fright Noise IV – The Noise Strikes Back
Until I can figure out how to change it, my apologies for the footer – Photos are NOT all by Barry Poole, many were provided from others, culled from Facebook and other Social Media outlets. I don’t “poach” other people’s work and call it mine.
poolebarry 
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